Broken Inside
by shandulah84
Summary: After the fifteenth Angel exposes to Asuka her long supressed memories, Asuka feels as if she is worthless and drowns in her own selfpity, falling away from her pride and not bothering to hold back her emotions. Songfic Nobody's Home Avril Lavigne


Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, nor do I own the Avril Lavigne song "Nobody's Home".

This is a songfic based off the song "Nobody's Home" and takes place after Asuka's mind rape from the fifteenth Angel.

Broken Inside

I lay here in bed as the tears fall down my cheeks, making no effort to stop them from flowing. I've stopped hiding my emotions now because it is too overwhelming to contain them anymore. That... that _thing_ ripped me inside out of my memories and exposed long forgotten, and forbidden information I did not want to be relayed of anymore.

My memories resurfaced, all in a torrent of reminiscence and pain...

_**I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,  
She felt it everyday.**_

I didn't understand my feelings, even when that hideous creature defiled my mind, exposing me to inappropriate content. From then on dwindled down the lines and my heart has succumbed to even more depression, and thinking about certainly does not help. But, of course, how can you express you're emotions without once thinking about what you're feeling?

_**And I couldn't help her,  
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.**_

I remember everyone, even the stooges, quite unusual of them, trying to reach out to me. Misato's calls to me, even though I disregarded them and went in my own world of despair not a care anymore. Hikari's pleas to hear what is wrong with me, though I refused to talk about it or even face anyone at the time. And Shinji's desperate cries to get my attention, trying to make sure if I'm even still alive, his tears mangling with mine and soaking in my shirt, though I pushed him away and now look where it has gotten me, another mistake I made, over and over again.

To my own demise...

My destruction...

My pride was the biggest of them all, however, and is what led me down the road of destruction, not the path to stardom. I always wanted others to notice me, to look at me for once; Momma didn't so they should have. Or I could have swallow my enormous ego and let others into my heart and enjoy the feeling of being loved and loving someone while the moment lasted, even if it was fleeting and I would end up getting hurt in the end.

I always hurt...

Is there not anyway to stop the pain...?

It came to the point where I was so far down that road, away from them in the distance, that help could no longer reach me, everyone calling my name, even though I couldn't hear, blinded by self-pity and desolation. It is like a train departing from the station as it carries a loved family member so far, far away from their relatives, leaving their family behind, only to never see them again.

_**What's wrong, what's wrong now?  
Too many, too many problems.**_

My stubbornness erupted from my insolent pride, a ridiculous pomposity to boot in accordance. And truly, I more than just declined everyone's kind offer of help, to comfort me and hold me like I longed for, especially from the boy I met that one fated day on the 'Over the Rainbow' aircraft carrier. But my sheer obstinacy in listening to _anyone's_ advice, even my own, some of which might have improved my condition, pushed me to respond to everyone's proposals with something like "I don't need your pity! I don't need anyone! Not even _you_!" or "I will live for myself and by myself! I will live on my own!"

Irony would play it as "I want your help and I do need you... Especially you..." and "I cannot live by myself and for myself. It's just too damn impossible..."

However, once again, that mistake deeply hindered my relationship with others by pushing me further away from than I intended. I never wanted to be alone deep down inside, but my pride insisted to me to otherwise and stated that you should not rely on anyone. Now I nearly drown in my tears at the sight of being alone in a dream, as déjà vu has occurred and my worst possible nightmare has come true. I had too many problems to correct what I did in the past and accept others into my life.

Too many...

Too many to goddamn count...

_**Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.**_

After the fifteenth's assault, I forgot exactly where I stood in this world and where, if any place, I belonged. Was it in someone's arms? Or in my own pit of sorrow and loneliness?

A second tear escaped from my eye, and landed on the soft carpet. I am completely lost now in a coma with my worst fears, no one can save me now...

_**She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
It's where she lies, broken inside.**_

Deep within my heart I sincerely wanted to go back home, somewhere I can call home, whether it is joining my Momma in death and liberation or sobbing, but being cradled gently in Shinji's arms. Anyplace I could even consider home would have been lovely, but now I was so cut off from not only everyone else around me, including the Third Child, but also from the rest of the world. I could never return to Germany for no one would appreciate my presence there, my pathetic self racking with sobs would be disturbing to them and they would call me weak.

But I am weak, can't even ask for help... pathetic me...

Even feebler than what I thought of Shinji when I first met him...

How could anyone even hang around me? Or like me? Or...love me? I'm a filthy, arrogant bitch not worthy of _anyone's_ attention, regardless of what I used to think oh... months ago shall we say?

How could I even think about other's possibly wanting me! I'm not desirable and certainly not pleasing to others, that's for sure...

I'm... pathetic... All of this... All of this signifies the brokenness of not only my torn mind, but my wrecked heart shaken with floods of tears in the deep internal core. But that's where I lay, sprawled on my back in my futon still attempting to resurrect my old self and block out these tears showing my hopelessness to no avail.

_**With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside.**_

If I ran to everyone, would they accept me and still offer to help me? The most probable answer to the aforementioned interrogation of myself would be that I would shove them out of my life and every location I try to find some salvation is crossed out because I'm... lost... broken... Only myself to dry my tear-stained eyes, not good enough, because I'm a poor excuse for anyone's comfort and my own...

Running from place to place, seeking out everything and everyone I can find to embrace me and tell me those comforting words with my head on their shoulder "I will never leave you" and "I love you". But all those have disappeared, and it did not help when I pushed my opportunities aside and the people I love deep down inside away. They'd refuse me, even if I admitted all my troubles to them, all my angst... all my tears, for nothing... my insides, torn apart... my soul... ripped in half...

I sighed as I sunk even further down into my depression...

_**Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.  
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.**_

In my disparaging attempts to find a craved something in which I can lean and hold onto in my ragged heart and the reasons to why everything happened like it did, I shrunk even more into myself and failed to realize anything about myself. I deduced as a logical conclusion that _I_ was always the one who was the coward and spineless idiot, _I_ was the one who deserved abandonment more than Shinji did when his father left him... I don't deserve anyone... Even he's too good for the terrible likes of me.

My tears continued to fall, my entire body racked with heaving sobs, breathing desperately for some decent air...

My heart ripped wide open for others to walk and trample on, damn them...

Pure rejection and burning hatred is what transpires into shameful desertion, just as I had done with so many innocent human beings who never deserved to be treated the way I treat them. My downfall had included another aspect: rejecting everyone who ever wanted to love me, especially Shinji, and them possibly rejecting me back because of what I did to them, though that was my_ own_ wrongdoing, not theirs. My own fault, no one else should be blamed, but... me... nobody else...

No one cares anyway...

_**Be strong, be strong now.  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.**_

How the _hell_ can I be strong when doing so kills me even more! I...I am too distanced from my arrogance and egotistical views and anyone else to keep me going in order to be strong _now_... I traded in my loved ones for my stupid, retarded self-importance, all for the sake of maintaining my sanity... which ended up cascading down the hills leading to my downfall... decease...

There's too much _shit_ for that to even happen...

Too much... Too many things wrong and incorrect in my life...

Broken... after my destruction... Destruction... death... devastation...

No where I can go now that everyone probably despises my very presence...

Where am I to stay then if I have no where to go?

_**She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
It's where she lies, broken inside.  
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside.**_

At this point, I am sobbing wretchedly and clinging to my bed for support, so intent on seeking someone... anyone... something or anything to cry on or into.

I want to go home, but no one will want me there...

I'm just a wayfaring troublemaker in everyone's way, so I should just die...

I have no place left to go but my own grave, buried beside Momma...

Broken like a thousand shards of glass scattered all over the floor beneath my feet...

_**Her feelings she hides.**_

I have hidden my feelings for too long now, I need to share them with somebody... I need someone to love me...**_  
_**

_**Her dreams she can't find.**_

I don't feel like I can find where my dreams begin and end anymore, it's like I'm close to death, but it's never going to happen because I'm drifting everywhere at once... and... nowhere all at the same time...

_**She's losing her mind.**_

I'm going crazy, I can't take this anymore! Someone help me! Please... don't leave me here... alone...

_**She's fallen behind.**_

I'm losing myself in a spiral of endless destruction and agonizing torture, dying with my last words on the tip of my tongue...

_**She can't find her place.**_

Where the hell _am _I! I need help! I... I can't take it anymore, someone help, please! I'm lost as hell...

_**She's losing her faith.**_

I'm losing myself entirely, my once shining pride and enthusiasm that used to shine in a silver of golden sunlight. It is like a jubilant child playing cheerfully under an oak tree picking flowers off the ground, but then a storm rumbles and rains falls on her face, along with the tears on her cheeks she tries so hard to conceal under the weather...

_**She's fallen from grace.**_

I've completely been bereaved of my soul just like Momma did when she was in the hospital, suffering and dying, and hung herself the next day as I flew in the door, trying to tell her the grand news of me being a pilot...

She never once cared... or noticed me...**_  
_**

_**She's all over the place.**_

**_Yeah, oh_**

I'm everywhere, and nowhere without help...

_**She's lost inside,**_

I'm lost...

_**lost inside...oh oh**_

I'm so, utterly lost here...

_**She's lost inside, **_

No more smiles, no more laughs... just me being lost here...

_**lost inside...oh oh yeah**_

Will someone just see it for once! I'm so goddamn lost here and... no one cares...

I promise I'll be nicer from now on if you'll just help me...

I'll change... I promise...

If you'll just notice me...

If you'll just... love me for who I am...

Someone please...

I need somebody... please... Shinji... save me...

------------

This was probably way to OOC for Asuka's sake, but I felt as if her downfall after being mindraped would probably lead her to feel this way, not to care about anything anymore. But review me and tell me if it was bad or good or what. If it's bad, I'll remove it. If it's good I'll keep, basically that's about it.


End file.
